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Journal of Camille Lambert - April 14th

When the fires finally died, there was almost nothing left of Puriysk. Just about every building was scorched and blackened. Most of the tents had been destroyed too, with only a tattered handful remaining on the far side of town.

Driving through the ruins felt almost like driving through a corpse. Everything was so dead… and yet despite the recent fire, I could already see new life growing on the ashes. Small flowers with petals that seemed to shimmer like distant stars. They were both beautiful and unsettling at the same time, although I noticed Dr. Di Cesare… or Gretchen, I suppose… looking down at them with quiet apprehension as we passed.

“We should visit what remains of my lab first,” She said. “I had some equipment that should offer suitable protection against any airborne toxins. Atmospheric saturation should currently be low, but best practices recommend not to take any unnecessary risks!”
“Sister, we’re way past best practices right now,” Nina replied sardonically. “Exactly how often were you dealing with this shit if you’ve got ‘suitable protection’ just on hand?”
“Often enough,” Gretchen replied. “Not in some years though… decades, really. I keep it now as a precaution. When studying pocket realities, one can never be too prepared. The Rosen Prince exists in far more than you could possibly imagine.”

“And now you’ve gone and brought it here,” Nina replied.
“While I understand you disapprove of my course of action, I stand by that the choice I made last night was the one with the highest probability of a favorable outcome.”
“‘Favorable outcome.’” Nina repeated, before giving a sigh of exasperation. “Whatever you say. I figure that one way or the other, this is gonna end with one of us saying ‘I Told You So’ and I hope to God it’s you.”
“As do I…” Gretchen admitted.

We pulled up on what was left of Gretchen’s RV. The roof had been completely peeled off and the entire front end was smashed, but it seemed like the lab portion was still somewhat intact… somewhat.

Gretchen got out of the car, pausing to survey the state of her lab. For a moment I thought that she almost looked upset, but if she felt anything at all she buried it quickly and pushed ahead.
“We’ll be out here,” Nina said. “Don’t take too long.”
“I’ll help you look,” I said, getting out of the car as well and following Gretchen into the ruined RV. She was already going through some of the drawers when I joined her inside.

Despite everything, the lab part of the RV was almost in good condition. Almost. Papers had been strewn all over the floor and scattered everywhere among shards of broken glass. I heard something crack under my shoe and looked down to see a framed photograph on the floor. I reached down to pick it up. The photograph depicted a group of women, around 14 of them, I think. I recognized one in the corner as Gretchen. I wondered if this was her family.

I looked up at her, to see her pausing at one particular drawer, before taking out a series of respirator masks.
“Elastomeric respirators. Good for keeping out paint, dust, and spores. Small particles that can harm the lungs. I’ve found they reduce spore exposure by over 90%. Not foolproof, but helpful.”
She counted four out of the selection she had, before putting one on and handing the rest off to me. I set the photo down to take them and put one of the masks on myself. As I did, Gretchen took a bone handled knife out of her coat.

“I do have one further precaution that I use… where would you like to be scarred?”
“I’m sorry, what?” I asked, taking a step back. Gretchen tilted her head to the side slightly, before realizing that I didn’t understand whatever the hell she was talking about.

“As a precaution, I think it would be wise to mark a rune into your flesh. It won’t necessarily protect you against the Rosen Prince, but it will guarantee you die before it takes control of you… here, let me show you…”
She slid off her coat and gingerly hung it over a chair. I could see the revolver resting in a shoulder holster she wore underneath. She rolled up the sleeve of her shirt. Above the Aquarius tattoo on her wrist, I could see several runes scarred into her arm.

“Scarification is a deep form of magic. Not for the faint of heart, but deeply effective. This one here…” She pointed at one about halfway up her forearm. “It’s a curse. Were I ever to be infected by the Rosen Prince, it would drain my life away, killing me before I could be fully claimed by it. Personally, I think it’s the merciful alternative. Assimilation into the hive mind technically does not kill you, but it is not a fate I would wish on most. Everything you were, everything you are lost within an ocean of voices so that you no longer remain because you and It are now one and the same.”

“Are you going to do that to Nina and Dom too?” I asked warily.
“I already did Nina this morning. And I’ll offer it to Dominic before we depart. I can not force you to accept this… the spell does not work unless you do it yourself. However I do recommend it.”
I stared at the knife for a moment, before grimacing and rolling up my sleeve.
“Just show me what to do…” I said.

Gretchen nodded and beckoned me over to the chair. She knelt by my side and helped me guide the knife.
“It only needs to be a shallow wound. Enough to draw blood and leave a lasting mark,” She said. As the knife pierced my arm, I winced in pain.
“Very good! Now, let me guide you…” She placed a hand over mine. “Look at my rune. We’ll copy it exactly.”

I nodded before trying to do just that, gritting my teeth in pain and trying not to scream. Gretchen guided my hand, but I held the knife and I was the one who pushed it into my skin… it wasn’t the worst pain I’d ever felt. But it came very close and I didn’t last long before I had to stop, sucking in air as if that might numb the pain as I felt tears filling my eyes.
“How the hell do you do this to yourself?” I gasped.
“The rewards are worth the pain,” Gretchen replied. “See this?” She pointed to another rune on her arm, “It’s an elemental brand. It’s how I was able to control the fire, last night. And this…” She pointed to another one, “This one allows for limited spatial manipulation. It took me three tries to get it right. Each time I had to carve away the old skin and heal it to begin anew.”

I flinched at the thought of it and she cracked a small smile that I think was meant to be reassuring.
“Oh, I assure you that’s nothing,” She said brushing past her long stringy hair and leaning forward so I could see the back of her neck, exposing a far more complicated rune.

“This here? That’s an attribution spell. It’s one of the hardest to get right, but once you’ve done it, it keeps you safe.”
“Yeah… howso?” I asked.
“If someone were to pull a gun and shoot me now, I would feel no pain. The wound would manifest on their body instead. Given the fact that he was able to obtain the heart of an Old Fae, it’s possible that Calhoun bears a similar mark. Most powerful witches do. My sisters, for example. Long ago, we each learned this rune and one by one, we carved it into the backs of our necks as a means to ensure our survival. It’s useful… although not foolproof. Stab me, and I feel no pain. Throw me on to a knife and… well… ” She shrugged. “Of course, my little spell would do nothing to protect me from this…”

She took the revolver out of her holster and showed it to me.
“There’s no magic in existence that would save you from Malvian Ice. I modified this gun to amplify it’s properties. To ensure every shot was lethal. But the bullets?” She opened the cylinder and took one out. It looked almost like a regular bullet, although the tip seemed crystalline and had a pinkish shine to it.
“They don’t need the gun to be effective. Put this in the heart of Calhoun… and there is no magic, no God, nothing in existence that could offer him salvation. This bullet… this is Death herself. Absolute, inescapable, and final.”

She reached over and gently pressed the bullet into my hand.
“You should carry it. The other three bullets may be needed elsewhere. It would be wise to save one.”
“You’re the one with the gun, why don’t you take it?” I asked.
“At heart, I am a scientist not a fighter.” Gretchen said. “I can use this weapon, but as of right now I only carry it for safekeeping. I suspect Valentine may get more use out of it than I will. She would certainly be the better shot… although given her demeanor and what lies ahead of us, I do not want to risk the possibility that she might use all four of our remaining bullets before we reached Calhoun. Therefore… I entrust you with this.”

I looked down at the bullet in my hand, before giving a half nod,
“I’ll keep it close,” I promised.
“Excellent! Now… you’re halfway done. Shall we finish the rest?”
I looked down at the bleeding rune on my arm and nodded slowly. Gretchen showed me her rune again, and I pressed the knife back into my skin.

The cut was already throbbing with pain… and maybe that was why finishing the rune was easier than starting it was.
“Excellent work,” Gretchen said. “You may have a future as a witch someday… perhaps.” She stared down at the blood on my arm thoughtfully, before tearing her attention away.

“You’re a vampire, right?” I asked. “When’s the last time you…”
“Three hours prior to yesterdays incident,” She replied, standing up again. “Strictly speaking I only need to feed once every few days, once per week at minimum. Biting you will not be necessary… although I will admit, your blood does smell…nice. I personally prefer an older male specimen, maintained in reasonable health however just because one likes merlot doesn’t mean they can’t enjoy a good rosé. But I digress. You need your strength and I have other provisions to ensure I make do.”

She walked over to the far side of the lab and opened a cabinet, rifling around in it for a few minutes before taking out what looked like a wine bottle.
“A little side project some of my sisters entertain. Hardly a full meal… but the wine masks the taste of stale blood. I was saving it for a special occasion. But, it will suffice for now.” She pulled the cork and took a drink from the bottle, before going through the cabinet again and coming back with a white first aid kid.
“Let me wrap that wound for you, at least until the bleeding stops,” She said. I gingerly held out my arm and let her work. It didn’t take long.

Outside, I could hear the car horn honking impatiently. Gretchen ignored it, gently cleaning my wound.
“There we go…” She said gently, “All set. Bring the masks outside, I’ll join you momentarily.”

I nodded and got up to leave. Looking back, I noticed her standing over the photograph I’d picked up earlier. She stared down at it, before taking the picture out of the broken frame and slipping it into her pocket before finally taking her wine bottle and following me out.

***

The tents on the far side of town were still mostly intact, although seeing them abandoned still felt a little surreal. The shimmering flowers grew along the ground, and among them I could see creeping red weeds sprawling across the ground. Those weeds had even started to grow over some of the tents.

Nina regarded them with unease, before checking to ensure her mask was on right and going in to investigate. She held her rifle at the ready the whole while.
“Fuck… how the hell do you do this to yourself?” I heard Dom seethe from behind me and looked back to see Gretchen helping him scar himself.
“In time, you learn to accept the pain,” She said. “Now breathe. We’re nearly done.”

Dom looked up at me as Gretchen guided his hand. I went over to put a hand on his shoulder and stay with him through the pain.
“There… there… now we’re done,” Gretchen crooned. “Let me wrap that for you. You did well.”
“Christ…” Dom panted, “All this over some fucking flowers?”
“Those flowers have ended Universes and brought entire civilizations to their knees,” Gretchen warned. “There is no caution you cannot take with them.”

Dom looked over toward some of the glowing flowers. I noticed Nina was giving them a wide berth.
“If they’re that dangerous, why even summon them?” He asked.
“I had four bullets, and more than four approaching targets. Even the more offensive spells at my disposal would not have offered sufficient protection. We were in a dire situation. I needed something that would serve as both a formidable distraction and that could reverse our fortunes. I made a judgment call. The Pocket Reality I opened has been claimed by the Rosen Prince for some time. I’ve done some research there before and I imagine he’s been waiting for my return ever since. I suspected that the moment I gave him a door, he would come scampering… and he did not disappoint. His infection will spread rapidly, but so long as we use the correct precautions, we should be fine. I can not say the same for Calhoun’s local militia and his Nightwalkers, on the other hand. I doubt they are equipped to deal with him.”

“No shit, they aren’t…” Dom murmured, “I gotta ask, what exactly happens if this thing reaches Calhoun before we do?”
Gretchen frowned.
“Hard to say,” She admitted as she finished bandaging Dom’s scar. “I don’t have enough data to be certain. But…”

“But?” I asked.
“Last night, McClellan said something I found… interesting. He mentioned that there were other towns ‘ripe for the picking’ out there and then said something about Calhoun getting the rest of the 5000 souls he needed. I’ve been trying to figure out what he meant by that.”
“Did you come up with anything?” Dom asked.
“Unfortunately, I did,” She admitted. “I don’t suppose Nina has told you two where your Nightwalkers come from, did she?”
“Something about another pocket. She called it The Midnight Grove,” I said. Gretchen nodded.

“Correct. Now… the entity that controls the Midnight Grove, The Lugal. It is known for making deals. Offer it souls and it can be bargained with. And with 5000 souls… well, in theory, the rewards would be great.”
“In theory?” Dom asked.
“There’s a very good reason the wise don’t deal with the Lugal. Whatever he offers you shall inevitably corrupt you, until you are little more than just another of the shambling, mindless beasts who wander his domain. Personally, I’ve found that you can get a better deal elsewhere. But that’s neither here nor there. The future state of Calhoun’s soul is really not important to us. If he completes his deal, then killing him becomes significantly harder… and I have little doubt that he has the means to complete his deal.”

“How?” I asked.
“When Mr. Durand first reached out to me about joining this operation, there was some discussion on how Ben Calhoun was able to enter and leave this pocket reality. At the time, I’d theorized that he had established a permanent means of doing so. It would not be that difficult… the correct runes on certain doors would likely suffice and would permit him to come and go as he pleased. We theorized that he had set up such doors in other towns he may have been interested in. I had hoped we may be able to find one such door. I even went so far as to look for small towns in the United States that had similarities with the ones we already knew existed in this pocket, that just so happened to have a resident there by the name of Ben Calhoun.”

“And what did you find?” I asked.
“Hundreds in the United States alone,” She said. “Enough so that exploring my theory further was not an option… however considering what McClellan said about ‘other towns ripe for the picking’ however I can not help but wonder if my theory is correct. McClellan said that Calhoun needed 5000 souls. To that end, I’ve put together a rough estimate of how many more he might need based on the estimated body count from his… actions… in the other towns.”

I felt my stomach sink a little bit.
“Between Rankin Mills, Bakersfield, and Thompson Falls, I estimate casualties of 1500, 2000, and 500 respectively for a sum of 4000 give or take. Puriysk had approximately a thousand people living in it… had we not intervened, Calhoun would have had his 5000 souls. And if I’m right about him having doorways to other towns, then I think I know how he might try and make up the deficit.”
“So he’s going to try and bring another town into the pocket…” I said quietly, before the rest of the realization hit me. “And if the Rosen Prince takes Calhoun, it could use any of those doors to get out of here!”

Gretchen nodded.
“It may not even need to take Calhoun,” She said. “All it would need to do is make it to Parsons and fine a door. Those outside would have no means of identifying where it would show up, delaying their ability to form an effective response and at minimum, resulting in further loss of life.”
“Jesus Christ…” Dom said under his breath, “You knew this and you still let that thing out?”

“As I said, I made a judgment call,” Gretchen said. “If we get to Parsons first, we can eliminate Calhoun and render all of this null and void. Kill Calhoun, and there is no pocket reality. No pocket reality means no Rosen Prince and if I am correct about those doorways…”
“That’s how we get out,” I said. Again, she nodded.

“You can be upset with me for what I did last night… I agree, it was a reckless move and not one that I made lightly. But I traded certain death for a ticking clock and an effective distraction. I stand by that decision, whatever the consequences.”
Dom just sighed and shook his head.
“Well… like Nina said, I guess. This is gonna end with somebody saying ‘I told you so’ and we better fucking hope that it’s you.”
With that, he went off to follow Nina toward the tents.

We spent the better part of an hour going through what was left from the FRB’s supplies and even some of the things we did find weren’t exactly useable. One tent which had been used as something of a mess hall was completely overgrown with those glowing flowers, leaving any food in there practically inedible. Most of what we found that we could use was guns and ammo.

“Trust me, we’re gonna need this shit,” Nina said as she opened the combination padlocks to the gun lockers. She tossed them aside and pulled the locker open, sorting through the contents before finding something and handing it to me. It had the body of a pistol, but with a stock and a sight.
“Kel-Tec CP33. Should be good for you,” She said before reaching for something else. She admired it for a moment, before setting her current rifle aside.
“Holy shit… I knew they were bringing in some heavy shit, but God Damn!”

“What is it?” Dom asked, watching as she took out something that looked like a bigger, smoother version of the rifle she already had
“It’s an AA-12… I’ve never actually gotten to fire one of these before. Should be fun! Hey Dom, you want one too? They’ve got a few in here!”
“What’s it do?” He asked.
“It’s a full auto shotgun with 20 shell drum mag. Basically - it turns anyone you don’t like into ground beef. Should be useful against the Rosen Prince…” She got down, checking a lower shelf and taking out boxes of ammo.

“Let’s see… I heard Milo mention something about Dragons Breath rounds. He thought they’d be effective against the Nightwalkers. Lemme just… oh fuck yes!”
She held up a box of shotgun shells, grinning from ear to ear.

“Thank you, Milo! Gretchen, think you can help us curse these?”
“I should be able to,” She said, going over to take the box from Nina. She sorted through a few other boxes of bullets on the lower shelf, before sliding one over to me.

“Try these out,” She said. “Lemme know if you want something different. We’ve still got a lot out here.”
I nodded before picking up the box. I set it down on a table, took the magazine out of the gun Nina had given me, and loaded it up just the way she’d shown me before. Then I went outside to give it a test run.

As I stepped out, I looked over toward the ruins of Puriysk. I could see one charred building that had once been an apartment, now overgrown with red vines and glowing flowers that made the ruins twinkle in the most surreal way. In a sense, the building almost looked infected. The vines seemed more like cancerous growths than real plant life. Looking at it, I was reminded of the state that Bakersfield had been in… and I was reminded of the corpse of my mother, her eyes half open in death. The memory made my stomach turn.

I raised the gun up toward the distant building, knowing that if I shot at it I couldn’t kill what was ahead of me, but hoping it might make me feel better. I pulled the trigger, firing into the void.

“Hello?” A distant voice called, making me pause. “Hello, is someone there?”
“Hello?” I called back, lowering the gun and trying to follow the voice.
“Hello?!”
Up ahead, I could see a man stumbling past a few of the tents. Judging by his uniform, he’d been part of the FRB.

“Oh thank God…” He said, “Thank God I thought I was the only one left!”
“So did we!” I said. I noticed that the name on his uniform read - ‘Gideon’. I looked back toward the tent that Nina and the others were in.
“Are you hurt?” I asked, “We’ve got Dr. Di Cesare with us, I think I saw some spare masks in her lab too. We can get you one!”
“Masks?” Gideon asked, “Why? What’s going on here?”
“I’ll let Dr. Di Cesare explain, come on.”

I gestured for him to follow me into the tent. As I turned to go in, I saw Nina coming out.
“I’m hearing voices out here…” She said, before noticing Gideon. Gretchen came out behind her, eyes narrowing slightly.
“We’ve got another survivor,” I said and Nina looked over at Gideon with a raised eyebrow.
“Shit, really?” She asked, although didn’t sound particularly enthusiastic about it. She glanced over at Gretchen who was on top of Gideon almost immediately.

“Fascinating, how did you survive the night?” She asked, already poking and prodding at him. From the corner of my eye, I could see Dom coming out of the tent, holding the shotgun Nina had given him.
“I… I just stayed out of the fire!” Gideon said, “I let the monsters fight each other! I didn’t know what to do, I couldn’t get to the trucks before they left and then the radio went silent… what are you doing?”

Gretchen held him by the chin and leaned in to sniff at his neck.
“Did you know a vampire's sense of smell is over ten thousand times more accurate than a regular human's?” She asked, her voice as calm as ever. “It enables us to detect imperfections in the blood and avoid drinking anything that might be adverse to our health… and right now, I can smell the spores in yours.”

Gideon locked eyes with her, looking panicked for a moment before his lips slowly began to curl into a knowing rictus grin.
“You were always so astute, Gretchen…”

I saw his skull split apart suddenly, revealing rows upon rows of teeth inside. He tried to bite down on her head, but Gretchen seemed to be expecting that. I saw the ground beneath her shift, pulling her back a few feet.

Nina raised her shotgun and fired at Gideon before he could make another move. A column of sparks flashed out of her gun, setting Gideon’s body alight. He howled in pain and as he did I saw his body changing. The skin and flesh on his hands peeled back turning his fingers into claws. An inhuman screech escaped him as he lunged for Nina, only to be blown back by another flaming blast from her shotgun and sent crashing to the ground in a twitching, screaming pile of burning flesh.
Nina let out a shuddering, almost orgasmic sigh.
“I love you,” She said to the gun.

Almost as soon as the words left her mouth, a chorus of inhuman screams echoed through the air around us, seeming to come from everywhere at once.
“That doesn't sound good…” Dom said.
“Oh, it’s not. He makes that sound when he’s hungry,” Gretchen ‘assured’ us. “We should leave.”

She motioned with her hand, beckoning some of the fire off the burning remains of ‘Gideon’ and allowing them to form into a ball in her hand.
“But we’ve got supplies here!” Nina said, “We’re not getting through Parsons without them!”
“And he’s got the bodies from last night.”

Almost on cue, several shapes rounded one of the tents a few feet away. Gretchen casually let loose the ball of fire she’d taken, sending it flying toward one of the creatures racing toward us.
“Then we’ll just bring the car here, load up and leave!” Nina said. “Dom, keep them out of the tent, Cam, grab everything you can carry!”
“I have to state for the record that this is an ill advised-”
“Just shut up and help me get to the goddamn car!” Nina snapped, cutting Gretchen off before raising her gun to unleash hell upon the creatures that came for us.

I wasted no time running straight for the tent. Nina had opened a few of the lockers and had been going through the contents. She’d set aside the dragon's breath rounds, and I figured those were probably the ones she was looking to bring. She’d opened up a metal ammo box and had already been setting the shells inside. I didn’t really have the time to set them up in order the way she’d been doing, but I did have time to carelessly dump them in there like an idiot.

I could see the flashes from outside as Dom fired at some of the Rosen and judging by the sounds he made, I couldn’t tell if he was having fun, terrified for his life, or both.

I grabbed a second ammo box, hastily dumping the remaining shells in there. I didn’t count them and hoped to God that it would be enough, then I grabbed another box of the .22 ammo that my gun used, stuffed that in my pocket, and closed up the boxes. I figured it was as good enough.
“Let’s go!” I yelled to Dom, grabbing both boxes by the handles. They were heavier than they looked, but I did what I could to tough it out.

He fired a few more rounds at some of the passing Rosen, bathing them in sparks that caught their bodies alight and sent the ones near them scurrying away. From what I could see, no two were exactly the same. Some of the smaller ones, who looked as if they’d once been human either wore tattered FRB uniforms or the loose ensemble of the Sheriff’s Boys. Although most had discarded their clothes entirely, embracing the monster that now puppeteered them. Their heads opened like flowers, and some even had the same shimmering petals as the glowing flowers that dotted the ruins. Many had those same flowers blooming on their skin, only in their center were sickly yellow eyes. They loped about on all fours like wild dogs, howling and shrieking all the while, trying to escape the flames that bathed them but never quite giving up their single minded pursuit.

A few of them ran for me, although Dom dealt with those quickly, washing them in columns of fire with every pull of his trigger. Together we retreated back toward the car. In the chaos, it was hard to keep track of events. There were just so many… too many to count. I left the shooting to Dominic, my only focus was on staying out of his way and reaching the car.

I could see flames rising up into the sky a few feet away and knew that Gretchen and Nina were still fighting. We were getting closer to them. A fresh column of fire tore through one of the nearby tents, burning it away almost completely along with the Rosen who were unlucky enough to be caught in its path.

As we rounded that tent, I saw Nina hastily backing toward the SUV, unloading her last few rounds into the advancing crowd of Rosen and buying herself enough time to get inside.

Gretchen was doing the same, pulling the fire from the burning corpses and forming burning walls between her and the living. Behind the horde, I could see one twisted figure standing atop one of the tents, watching her with a single yellow eye.

“A RIPE NEW WORLD TO USHER IN TO SPRING EVERLASTING!” A voice howled through the chaos. I think it came from the thing that watched Gretchen. “How kind of you, Gretchen Di Cesare… an apology for your many insults? Or a failure. The newest of many?”

She didn’t humor the Rosen Prince with a response, or at least not a verbal one. A tendril of flames shot out of the wall she’d summoned, to engulf the thing that had spoken to her. Killing it, did nothing to stop the voice, which seemed to come from everywhere at once now.

“Shall you outrun me again, Child? Or do I at last claim you as my own?”
Gretchen just turned, and pulled open the car door, getting in as Nina keyed the engine. The wall of flames pivoted, cutting violently across the path before the car and burning anything there before quickly parting. Nina hit the gas and sped toward us, while Gretchen’s trail of fire followed.

I saw the Rosen shrink back as the car and the fire drew near. We took the opportunity while it was there. Dom pulled one of the doors open for me and I hefted the ammo boxes inside, looking back to watch him dive in behind me. We didn’t even get a chance to close the door before Nina was driving again. Gretchen rolled down the window and pulled the fires from behind us forward, launching them in front of the car to burn away the Rosen in our path. As she did, I could hear the demonic laughter of the Rosen Prince in the distance.
“RUN IF YOU MUST, DEAR CHILD! FOR I ALREADY AWAIT YOU!”

I looked out the back window to see that the Rosen had already given up chasing us. I wasn’t sure if that was a good sign or not. Judging by the look on Gretchen’s face, it wasn’t.
“We need to move, quickly,” She said. “Dominic, you can get us to Parsons, correct?”
“I think I should,” He said. “I’m sorry, did that thing just say it was already waiting for us, did it already get to Parsons?”

“I suppose we’ll find out shortly…” Gretchen admitted. “If so… we should still have time. The Rosen Prince shouldn’t have the biomass to launch a particularly large assault right now. He’ll need more bodies… but I still suggest we move, the clock is ticking.”

Nina pulled the car onto the road leading out of Puriysk, watching the rearview mirror anxiously as she did. The mists of the forest swallowed us up as we left Puriysk behind. All that remained now was ahead of us, at the end of the road.

You're rubbing up on the wrong daddy, with all your unexamined issues. You are not prepared for this level of exposure. Of invasion. Take this out I offer you.
You think you can appease your manufactured kink (that you call a fetish) while your traumas go ignored? You're wrong.
I am not some simple hammer, to numb you with a repetitious smash. I come with an entire tool belt. There are old nails in your heartwood. Bent and rusted nails. I will pull them.
You have rough patches that require a rasp and knots that demand the saw. You are splintered and burning at both ends, and warped by the wrong kind of wet.
I think you've mistaken me for some older man who will do you just because I can, but you're not ready for me. You're not ready for any of this and maybe it really isn't for you.
Stay on the main road, girl. Turn back, or choose some other exit.
I can't help you at all.

I’m at an age where I need to start getting female medical exams (23) but even the idea sends me into a panic attack. My assault was not a rape because it was only his hands but now when anyone touches my legs/thighs I completely lose it. How do I get through a medical without melting down or having a complete attack? Any advice is welcomed. The assault was nearly a year ago and DA refused to press charges if that matters to the answers.

Hey folks, I could really use some advice: my (28M) girlfriend (28F) and I have been together for nearly two years, and things have been pretty great. We moved in together six months ago, and it feels like we've grown really close since then. But now, there's this new (and basically our first) major issue: my girlfriend wants to join a small group pilates class that her ex-boyfriend (30M) is teaching.
They were together for a few years before we met and stayed friends after breaking up. I like the guy well enough and they've only seen each other 3-4 times since their breakup. She's adamant that she has no romantic feelings for him, but she's really keen on joining his class because he teaches a pilates method that she's super into and says it's hard to find instructors as good as him. She says she plans on paying for the class just like anyone else.
I trust my girlfriend, but I can't shake this feeling of skepticism about her taking a class from her ex. I feel bad for even having these thoughts, knowing she can make her own choices and maintain friendships, but my gut feeling is super off about it. She also told me that he broke up with his new girlfriend about six months ago, so he's now single.
I know my concerns might come from my own insecurities, and I don't want to impose my feelings on her. But I'm struggling with how to handle this. I don't want to seem controlling or unreasonable.
So, I'm reaching out to you all for some advice on how to deal with this. Should I just let it go and trust her, or should I voice my concerns? And if so, how can I bring it up without sounding accusatory or controlling? I also don't want to voice my concerns and dissuade her from doing something that she would find super beneficial to her health.
I'd really appreciate any thoughts or experiences you guys can share. Thanks a bunch!

Had a band meeting earlier, and they lads said I need to work on my time. We play in London every Fri and Sat of the year. Killer band.
This has always happened throughout my entire career.
I cannot hear myself dragging/rushing when playing live. I practice to metronome, quarter note click. Occasionally click just on 2 and 4, or only on beat 4. Extremely difficult metronome exercises. I practice to these metronome settings by playing between time feels, fills and dynamics. Usually I am bang on.
Yet whenever I play live my time feel is dreadful. I push and drag almost every song in almost every feel.
Example, I'll change from a basic shuffle to a Texas shuffle and drop 10/15 bpm. I will go from a 120bpm simple 1/8th note beat to a 1/4 note feel and drag.
I've played for 20 years. I know I am a superb drummer. I can chop all over the place, I have terrific co-ordination and dynamic control, killer hand and foot technique, I can get my head around most beats. Oakland Stroke, Nite Sprite, Soul Vaccination type beats are nailed. I've played musical theatre a lot so know all my styles and am a gifted reader. I am a working pro drummer.
But I have zero instinctive awareness of my timing. I am almost at the point of giving up and changing career. I cringe when I listen to recordings of me playing. Upon hearing the recordings I cannot believe the severity of my rushing/dragging, and I am depressed realising I had no idea it was happening.
I rarely get called for work. And I've worked with a lot of different bands/MD's who never call me back after playing with them. I was extremely lucky to find this band as we all get on so well and they are very forgiving.
Can you help me. Have you had this problem and found a way to work on it? I think my understanding of subdivisions is fundamentally distorted. I really do not know how to fix this.

Putting it simply I’m being accused of sexual assault. A girl I dated in 7th grade has started telling people I forced myself on her (I’m weak as fuck considering I’m almost 6’0) her best friend at the time has told me she KNOWS I’m innocent considering when I “sexually assaulted” my ex she was literally right beside us. Before this whole thing happened she had coke to ME and broke up with me I told I respected her opinion and I understand and it’s all chill. Only reason I was even near her was cuz the friend I mentioned as she and couple others enjoyed hanging out. Now my ex has started spouting nonsense. I could be wrong but I suspect it’s cuz I’ve recently told a girl I liked her (call her T for now) which T knows the girl is a liar but if it goes father than just rumors what should I do? Edit: when this happened I was about 13 in 7th into 8th summer break. I’m now 15 9th grade

I don’t know if this is the appropriate place to vent how much I’m hurt, but it’s been nearly 4 months and even now I think about it. The relationship started online, me a Brit and her an American girl, I had been speaking to her for a nearly a year and had no intention of trying to get closer other then friends since she was in a relationship with a girl at the time, I just wanted to be her friend as she was so likeminded to me, I felt extremely happy in a time where I really didn’t have much going for me.
But one day her now Ex who was abusive and hurtful dumped her, I still had no intention of getting together and we didn’t for a couple months but I tried my best to support her and we grew closer. Maybe I was just a rebound, I don’t know but she eventually admitted her feelings, I had no idea what to say or do, and told her to wait longer to see if it really was her feelings or just wanting to have love again.
Long story short, we got together, and had been together for 4 years, seeing eachother irl quite a few times too, I was madly in love with her. But December came and it was quite possibly the worst month of my life, my cat had been hit by a car, family got into accidents which meant going to the hospital, friends of mine for nearly a decade exposed as creeps and now breaking away from them, I felt like I was losing everything but she cheered me up and I tried my best to not overwhelm her with my problems so I tied my tongue to make sure our conversations were as cheery as ever.
However, New Year’s Day came, my last message to her was “happy new year, I love you so much” and then it was gone, every trace of her gone, I tried multiple different websites to try speak with her but I got nothing, things deleted, she just disappeared, her friends began to block me and I just couldn’t understand why, I was heartbroken, if she didn’t love me anymore I just wanted to be friends like we used to, she clearly didn’t feel the same.
So now 4 months later, I stare at my phone wondering if I should try message again, but I get sick to my stomach knowing nothing will come of it, I wanna move on, she just felt too perfect for me to give up so I struggle to do it. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve cried so much over one person, and I bet she hasn’t even had a passing thought about me since to just cast me aside so easily. I get tired of blaming myself yet I can’t help but keep thinking it is my fault, that there’s something I could’ve done.
Once again I don’t know if this is the right place to vent, but I just needed to get this off my chest and see what other people might think.

I’m 268 days sober and my best friend is visiting and wanted to go to a rooftop bar tonight and dance afterward. I stuck to my club soda + lemonade or cranberry juice go-to, ate some bomb ass food, and had a great time catching up with my friend and listening to music. I also watched the people around me get progressively drunker and felt so happy to be free of the bad or embarrassing decisions I might make or things I might say while drinking, free from the potential of the next day’s hangover, and was relieved to not have to even think about driving us home with alcohol in my system. Being sober rocks.

Today was a busy Saturday and I was expo (in my restaurant that is bussing/running food/drinks/cleaning/stocking/everything). I was running my ass off and this older (50s) man at the bar top was just staring at me so intently and it was making me uncomfortable. Every chance he got he would stop me and try starting conversation, but luckily I was too busy. Finally when I had to drop off food near him, he stopped me and asked "have you taken art history classes?". I replied "yes why?" He said "because, historically, you are very gorgeous and beautiful". I did not respond and hid upstairs until he left.
Why are people like this? Anyone else have any strange pick up stories they want to share?

23 M.
6'1, 66kg
I know calories are bit low but I take Vitamin B, Omega 3, Vitamin D, Calcium supplements. 1 scoop protein powder shake every morning. Caffeine has 0 effect.
I wake up at 7-8 AM with ~50% energy, which is enough to get out of bed and do things. I exercise for about 30 minutes.
Then by mid-morning, 10:30-11 AM, an insane lethargy overtakes me. Like no energy, eyes dropping, muscles weak. Along with this comes a nervousness and general physical and mental weakness. It's a fulbodied physical and mental sense of fatigue.
Doesn't matter if I have breakfast or not. I generally have little energy. It's been this way regardless of what I eat, if I'm in a calorific deficit etc. If it's a crash, I've tried snacks, changing eating times fasting, nothing works.
I've considered various nutritional deficiencies and tried the above supplements. There isn't really a sleep clinic near me if it's sleep apnea, but I've taken naps with a pulse oxymeter on, and it never drops below 96%. I have no problem falling asleep and I can sleep at any time of the day.
My blood sugar is normal, no insulin resistance. But about a year ago I took a blood test and I very strangely had very high LDL cholesterol. And very good HDL cholesterol too (ratio was normal despite LDL being extremely high). At that point I was eating a lot of red meat tho and I've stopped so far.

Sorry this is so long but this is just an outpouring of thoughts more than anything in a community I hope understands.
My DX partner had what I consider her first meltdown last night at a family birthday party. After about 90 mins or so she went to spend time upstairs because there was a lot of people in one room, lots of noise etc and it got too much for her. I didn't mind her wanting to spend time on her own but also I'm not great in social situations as I have social anxiety and am convinced I have ASD, but ultimately that was fine and I carried on.
About an hour later a glass was broken and i cut myself so I went to clean up upstairs and she helped me. Afterwards I asked if she was coming back down - in my head I wanted her to because I almost felt embarrassed that I cut myself (even though someone else broke the glass and I was stood next to them, I'm aware this makes no sense but that's how my brain works) and so she reluctantly came back downstairs. I didn't actually voice why I wanted her to come back down and I later learned this resulted in her thinking I was just being an asshole because she thought I was just being insensitive to how she was feeling.
45 minutes later she wanted to leave and said she'd go and sit in the car (she wasn't drinking, I was, although I wasn't drunk) She didn't try and make me leave with her, she said she could go home and then come and get me later, but I was torn with what to do. I felt guilty about not leaving with her because I knew she was overwhelmed but was also enjoying spending time at the party.
She ended up going to sit in the car and had a panic attack whilst out there and my auntie talked her through it. I feel so awful. I should've been there to help her through it. She might have had one regardless of whether I'd gone with her or not but I feel so guilty that I went back into the party and left her out there. I did say if she wanted to go home I'd get a taxi and didn't expect her to wait in the car for so long.
We've been to weddings before that have lasted all day, other parties and nothing like this has happened before. I think now she's been diagnosed she's owning it a bit more and is listening to herself more than trying to mask her behaviour and I absolutely understand that.
We talked it through and we're fine but I've been laying awake thinking how awful she must think I am and that if she told anyone what happened I'd just seem like the most insensitive asshole.
But this is all new to me and I don't really know how to handle it yet. We have said that we must tell each other how we're feeling and be as transparent as we can - for example she was angry I wanted her to come back downstairs at the party because she didn't know why. We've also had one thing after another in our near three years together and this almost feels like another thing on top of those. I lost my sister four years ago and am still coping with that and quite frankly having to navigate my partner's ADHD is not an easy thing to fit into my already overwhelmed, grieving, constantly anxious brain. What if I'm just not mentally cut out to cope with this?

Listen, I should just say upfront I'm 25. I know, I'm incredibly young and SHOULDNT feel this way but.. do.
I feel like growing up every adult made comments on how they wanted to be 25 again (or men saying they want 25 year old women because they are at their peek.) They always sounded like 25 was the best time in their life and... my life is nowhere where I want it.
I am nowhere near financially secure, I'm still fixing years of my younger self making bad financial choices, and I so, so, so many things I want to do in my life that seem so out of reach because of where I am now.
Teenage me always told myself I'd have it by 25. At 25 you're 'vintage' I'd used to joke and was so sure 25 was when I would have it together.
I know these feelings are rational.. I just feel like everyone from high school is married (I'm engaged but that is not really my insecurity here,) have their dream job, and are starting a family.
Are positive affirmations what I need? I don't even know what to remind myself because every cliché saying about life isn't working. I can be positive in everyone else's life.. just not mine right now.
I'm so sorry if this isn't the right place for this, and I want to reiterate I know I'm very young and not incredibly justified in feeling this way. I have been a lurker for many months and always feel so many positive people everytime I'm here.
At least it's spring and seeing so much life around me is helping a bit ❤️

hello I've been a lover of pokemon and recently decided to play pokemon go I'd love some friends to gift each other on a daily basis! maybe even find people near me so we can go on walks together to play it together for whatever reason ^{^}
9274 7793 5189

*We may be anonymous strangers on the internet, but we have one thing in common. We may be a world apart, but we're here together!*
**Welcome to the 24 hour pledge!**
I'm pledging myself to not drinking today, and invite you to do the same.
Maybe you're new to /stopdrinking and have a hard time deciding what to do next. Maybe you're like me and feel you need a daily commitment or maybe you've been sober for a long time and want to inspire others.
It doesn't matter if you're still hung over from a three day bender or been sober for years, if you just woke up or have already completed a sober day. For the next 24 hours, lets not drink alcohol!
---
**This pledge is a statement of intent.** Today we don't set out *trying* not to drink, we make a conscious decision *not to drink*. It sounds simple, but all of us know it can be hard and sometimes impossible. The group can support and inspire us, yet only one person can decide if we drink today. Give that person the right mindset!
What happens if we can't keep to our pledge? We give up or try again. And since we're here in /stopdrinking, we're not ready to give up.
**What this is:** A simple thread where we commit to not drinking alcohol for the next 24 hours, posting to show others that they're not alone and making a pledge to ourselves. Anybody can join and participate at any time, you do not have to be a regular at /stopdrinking or have followed the pledges from the beginning.
**What this isn't:** A good place for a detailed introduction of yourself, directly seek advice or share lengthy stories. You'll get a more personal response in your own thread.
---
This post goes up at:
- US - Night/Early Morning
- Europe - Morning
- Asia and Australia - Evening/Night
A link to the current Daily Check-In post can always be found near the top of the sidebar.
---
Morning friends! I’m excited to finally be hosting the DCI.
Like a lot of you, I spent a while lurking here while I tried to figure out if my drinking was that bad. I knew it was bad and I needed to get it under control, but what I didn’t realize at that time was that I didn’t want to really control my drinking; I wanted to drink the way I wanted without consequences and without any of the icky things I did when I drank.
I also thought quitting drinking would be easy once someone told me how to do it. You know, give me the instructions, I can follow them. I’ll get this off my “to do” list and move on with life. I’m smart, I’m high-achieving, I can do this. I don’t need help, I don’t need people, I don’t need community, I need the instructions. That is it, thank you very much.
HAH.
What a joke.
This is one of the toughest yet most rewarding life journeys I’ve been on. I’ve had to dig deep to stay sober. I’ve gone back out for field research and disappointed myself time and time again. I had to admit I couldn’t do it myself. I had to admit that I needed community and people.
I’m so damn grateful for this community and you. You and your stories and your advice and your kindness helped me find my sober feet and helped me learn to walk sober one day at a time. Taking it one day at a time sober, sometimes one moment, one frustration, one bad day, one good day at a time has gotten me here. And that is why I’m so happy to be able to host this week. Turns out, the minimum 30-day requirement was a lot tougher to achieve than I thought.
As Sunday either dawns or sets depending on where you are in the world, how are you celebrating the day? For me, sobriety has relieved most of the pain of Sundays. There is no more exhaustion or recovery needed, no more anxiety or panic or self-loathing. Instead it’s lighter and easier to handle the list of to-dos as I get myself and my family ready for the chaos of the week ahead. The Sunday scaries aren’t so scary anymore.
Enjoy the day, friends, however you choose to spend it. Tell us what you have planned! And - I will not drink with you today.

Someone asked in the comments of my previous post if I could do an update, so here goes.
I wish I had a satisfactory conclusion but I just...don't.
We talked about everything to do with our relationship. All cards on the table. I told my wife I no longer felt romantically or sexually attracted to her but I still love her, just not in that way. She didn't really have much to say about that. She just says she wants to have more sex and is waiting on me to figure out a solution.
As far as all of our other relationship issues, I feel like I owned up to and apologized for my shortcomings and mistakes and I feel like my wife played the blame game a lot. Or anything she did that I had problem with, it was my fault.
Now we've been at a weird standstill for 24 hours or so where things feel kind of normal but awkward as well. There's not much left to say. My wife is "waiting for me to come up with a way to come back to her" so I guess the ball is, somehow, in my court again. Yet she's also the one that kept saying it needs to be us against the problem.
I'm just going to level with you guys, I don't see this improving in any meaningful way. I nearly broke things off with her entirely the other night but I felt too guilty because she kept saying I was being selfish and taking away focus from our son. Really he's the reason I'm still here anyway.
I don't see her changing in any meaningful way, or at least not long-term. She's already shown me she doesn't get some of what I've said. I've had a couple friends say I should get out. Maybe one day the pain of being in this relationship will override the dad guilt of separating, but today wasn't that day.
I wish I had a better update to share with you guys. If anyone has some advice on where to go from here let me know, but I don't expect anyone to really know what to tell me to do at this point.

It was Friday night, and I had the whole weekend to myself. My parents had left for their anniversary trip and my little sister was at a sleepover, leaving me, a 16-year-old, alone in our big house. The weather forecast predicted a blizzard, but I wasn't too worried about it; I had stocked up on snacks and had a whole list of movies to watch.
As the snow began to fall, I settled in on the couch, wrapping myself in a cozy blanket, and pressed play on the first movie. The wind howled outside, whipping the snow against the windows, making the house creak and groan. It was the perfect atmosphere for a scary movie marathon.
A couple of hours into my movie marathon, I paused to make some popcorn. As I waited for the kernels to pop, I glanced outside and saw the blizzard had picked up. The snow had piled up high, and visibility was almost zero. Even though I knew we lived far away from our neighbors, I couldn't help but feel a little uneasy at the thought of being so isolated.
Shaking off the feeling, I took my popcorn back to the couch and resumed my movie. My phone buzzed with a text message. It was my best friend, Sam, checking in on me.
"Hey, you surviving the blizzard?" Sam asked.
"Yeah, just watching scary movies and eating popcorn," I replied.
"Be safe! Don't let any creepy strangers in," Sam teased.
"Thanks, Sam, now I'm going to be paranoid all night!" I responded with a laugh.
We said our goodbyes and I returned to my movie. Just as I was getting engrossed, I heard a loud thud from upstairs. My heart raced, but I tried to rationalize it as the wind or maybe some snow falling off the roof.
I turned the volume up on the TV to drown out the noises from outside, but I couldn't shake the feeling that something wasn't right. As I watched the movie, I felt like I was being watched. Every so often, I would glance out the window, but I couldn't see anything through the swirling snow.
The next thud came from the front door. This time, I couldn't ignore it. I muted the TV and listened, straining to hear any other noises. The wind whistled, and I heard the faint sound of footsteps crunching in the snow outside.
My heart pounded in my chest as I tried to rationalize the situation. Maybe someone was lost in the blizzard and needed help. Or maybe it was just my imagination running wild. I decided to investigate, grabbing my dad's flashlight from the kitchen drawer.
The cold air hit me as I opened the front door, and I was instantly blinded by the snowstorm. I stepped out, shining the flashlight in the direction of the footsteps. As I followed them, I noticed they led to the side of the house, near the garage. Suddenly, the footsteps stopped, and I realized they led to a set of ladder rungs that led up to the roof.
My pulse quickened as I thought about the earlier thuds and the implications of someone climbing onto our roof. I rushed back inside, locking the door behind me. My mind raced, trying to figure out what to do. I remembered my dad had installed security cameras around the house, and I could check the footage from my phone.
As I pulled up the app and began scanning the footage, I noticed something strange. There was a figure dressed in dark clothing, seemingly trying to hide behind a snowbank. I couldn't make out any details, but the person was definitely watching the house.
I called Sam, my hands shaking. "Sam, there's someone outside my house, and they were on my roof. I don't know what to do!"
Sam's voice wavered, "Call the police, right now. I'm coming over, too. Just stay on the line with me until I get there."
I dialed 911 and explained the situation to the operator. They assured me that they would send a patrol car, but with the blizzard, it could take a while for them to arrive. I felt a pit in my stomach, realizing I was on my own until help arrived.
I locked all the doors and windows, double-checking each one. As I did, I couldn't help but feel like the figure was watching my every move. I glanced out the window, and for a brief moment, I saw the dark figure standing near the edge of our property, still watching the house.
I retreated to the living room, turning off the TV, and sat in the darkness, waiting for either the police or Sam to arrive. The only sound was the howling wind, punctuated by the occasional thud from the roof or the walls.
Time felt like it was dragging on, and I couldn't help but feel increasingly paranoid. Every small noise made my heart skip a beat, and my mind raced with possibilities of what the intruder might do. I clutched the flashlight tightly, as if it were a lifeline, and I kept my phone close, waiting for a call or message.
Finally, after what felt like an eternity, I heard a car engine approaching. Relief washed over me, thinking it was either Sam or the police. Peeking through the window, I saw Sam's car pull up, the headlights cutting through the darkness and snow.
I quickly unlocked the door, letting Sam in. Their face was a mix of worry and determination. "Are you okay? Have you seen the person since you called?"
"No, I haven't seen them, but I keep hearing noises," I replied, my voice shaking.
Sam suggested we wait together in the kitchen, where we'd have a clear view of the front and back doors. We sat in silence, the tension in the room thick as the snow outside.
Suddenly, a loud bang echoed through the house, followed by the sound of shattering glass. We both jumped to our feet, my heart pounding like a drum. The noise had come from the back of the house.
We cautiously moved towards the sound, flashlights in hand. As we turned the corner, we saw the back door wide open, shards of broken glass scattered across the floor. The intruder had made their way inside.
Sam and I exchanged terrified glances, knowing we had no choice but to confront whoever had invaded my home. We moved through the house together, checking each room, but found nothing. The intruder seemed to have vanished as suddenly as they appeared.
As we neared the staircase leading to the second floor, we heard a door creak open above us. We looked at each other, fear in our eyes, and began to ascend the stairs. Our flashlights revealed a trail of wet, muddy footprints leading down the hallway. We followed them, our hearts pounding in our ears.
The trail led us to my parents' bedroom. We hesitated, unsure of what we might find behind the door. Taking a deep breath, we pushed the door open, revealing the intruder standing by the window, their face hidden behind a dark mask.
We froze in terror, our flashlights illuminating the stranger. And that's when we heard the sirens, growing louder as the police approached. The intruder looked at us, then back to the window, before disappearing into the blizzard.
The police arrived moments later, searching the house and the surrounding property. They found no trace of the intruder, who had seemingly vanished into the storm. The officers took our statements, assuring us that they would do everything they could to find the person responsible.
Sam stayed with me that night, both of us too shaken to be alone. We huddled together in the living room, watching comedies to try and take our minds off the frightening ordeal.
The next morning, the storm had subsided, leaving a thick blanket of snow covering everything. As we stepped outside to assess the damage, we noticed something unusual. Near the broken back door, there was a small, snow-covered object. Curiosity piqued, we brushed off the snow to reveal a strange, intricately carved wooden box.
The box seemed to have no visible lock or latch, but it was clearly sealed shut. We exchanged puzzled glances, wondering if the intruder had left it behind. It was then that we decided to call the police and inform them about the mysterious box.
The officers arrived shortly after, taking the box with them as potential evidence. They promised to keep us updated on any new developments. Days turned into weeks, and the memory of that terrifying night began to fade. The police never found the intruder, and we never heard anything about the strange wooden box.
Life eventually returned to normal, but the feeling of being watched never completely went away. Every creak, every howl of the wind, would bring back memories of that harrowing night. The intruder had disappeared into the storm, leaving behind a lingering sense of unease and the haunting mystery of the wooden box. And in the back of our minds, we couldn't help but wonder if one day, the stranger would return to finish whatever they had started.

I messed up. I messed up bad.
Ok so we have a few “hard no’s” in our marriage. Smoking, and drug use is all a hard no. If he smoked marijuana or a cigarette I would be heartbroken, because that’s an established boundery he crossed. Drinking is a no, usually. I’ll never drink but if he had a beer I wouldn’t flip out. I also know if I were to have a glass of wine, he probably wouldn’t mind. The following is something that I should have known was a hard no, but assumed it was a soft no.
This was about 2 weeks ago. I messed up really bad. My husband and I are 22. I’ve been with him for 6.5 years but I never thoufht this would happen to me.
He was in Italy for a buissness trip. I was home alone and j was in the mood, obviously hubs wasn’t home so I did the job myself. He came home a few days later and used my phone to look something up and he saw the search bar. I looked up “cute blonde boy”
He was really hurt, even though he is a cute blonde boy. I was looking for the ones the look like him so I could pretend it was him. I don’t have any dirty pictures or anything like that to get off to.
He didn’t beleive me and thought he just wasn’t handsome enough. We haven’t talked about much but it’s been 4 days since he saw this and he only comes to me about mandatory communication (if he’s leaving with the dog, or our son, or things like that)
I want to make this right but idk what to do. I know I messed up bad. I texted him asking if we can talk. I also promised on everything I’ll never ever look at that again, and he can go through my search history whenever he wants to make sure I keep that promise.
I’ve gotten no response. Idk what to do. I messed up really bad. I guess my question is, how do I make this right?

Im always stressed and i want relief so badly. I don't mind being dead but its how i die is what im afraid of. If i go to heaven or hell or black eternity id be stress free, im not religious but whatever religion is real or not just makes death sound so satisfying to me. I had an narrsasistic abusive father that refused to raise me. He only spoke to me if i did something wrong, he was just angry or wanted to argue. Im not the arguing type, each time he spoke to me to this day i freeze up or just reply "i don't know" to whatever question. Always yelling at me even today. He always had enjoyment in having control over my emotions and would listen while i go to therapy to weaponize whatever he could. When i was a kid i was always stressed cause i knew i had to become something to get away from my father when i grew up, so i started youtube and twitch for years and i had fun with it even though the most views id receive were maybe 10. My dad hated that i was livestreaming and told me told me i need to get a job when i was 13 so i could give him money. Which never made sense to me cause 1 im 13 and 2 im literally 13 i cant legally get a job till im 16. So my dad refused to feed me and no one in my family belived me cause "why would he do that" "that doesn't sound like him" "thats your father cant do that" so i realized i had no one to rely on besides myself so i had to sell my video games for food at a place called cartridges galore which luckily didn't ask for id until i turned 16 and i did get a job but when i got my job it wasn't my money EVERYTHING belongs to him. And he still uses the "what have you done for me" argument. I kept livestreaming on twitch and youtube for another couple years and the closer i got to 18 years old the more i started getting scared cause the most views ive gotten was atleast 10 still not during the streams but after them. I tried learning everything i could sounds, thumbnails, titles but i always got the same results. Ive tried studying algorithms for the longest time on all types of platforms and still no results. And i turned 18 and my stress became too much. I suffered allot of ptsd from my fathers actions. One of his exs tried to stab me while drunk, needing to carry my dad into the house while theres blood all over him after being attacked (i have no idea to this day what happened), the day he threatened to kill my mother. I was diagnosed with ptsd and schizophrenia. Today im 20, i didn't turn 20 today. And im getting kicked out. I haven't been able to find a job that could give anywhere near enough to live. Even if i did, i don't know how to but a house, i dont just buy one online, i don't think. He just came in my room and yelled "i want you to get the fuck out, you aint doin shit for me" he destroyed my laptop screen to prove his point but i just stayed silent. I have an extra monitor screen i can connect hdmi but thats it. I really wish i could've just been a youtuber id be out of this stress. I think death is the only option, yeah im a coward for wanting the easy wasy out but death just sounds so enjoyable and peaceful to me.

I've been training bjj for 2 years now, and I'm a one stripe white belt which I earned at my old gym. At my new gym, I have passed up promotion twice, as in I just didn't show up. Everytime there's going to be a promotion I think to myself, "nah im just not there yet". I mean the two comps I've been to I lost and I compare myself to 2 stripe white belt or no stripe blue belts at my old gym and I realize I'm nowhere near in terms of skill.
Guys in my new gym who have never tapped me out in rolls have recently gotten their blue belt. These guys started right around the time I joined my new gym. I mean nothing against them, they win in comps, whereas I don't so I really do feel they deserve the blue. Another thing is in my new gym they have gradings for promotion with certificates and ceremonies and exam fees and whatnot, wherein in my old gym, the coach just put a stripe on your belt or tosses you a blue if he feels you've advanced.
What do you guys think? Am I looking into this too much? I'm asking here because I feel if I ask people in my gym they'd say Im salty of the newly promoted guys lol. But damn, do these belts demoralize me sometimes lol.